2 min read

Tears of repent

One night

There I was

Sitting on the ground.

I had been sitting there for a long time.

And then, something happened

By itself.

I started talking

To myself.

"Why have you been sitting here for hours?"

"Your legs hurt so bad!"

"Ouch! This is so painful!"

"What if you tear a tendon?"

"What if you..."

"... hurt yourself?"

"What if meditating too long turns you into a cripple?"

I let that last statement hang in the air.

Then, a giggle arose.

And I let it out.

More giggles came.

I couldn't control them.

I could just imagine a bald-headed monk in bright orange robes

Walking around with crutches

Parking in the handicap parking spaces

All because he meditated too long.

The giggles turned into full-blown laughter.

Tears rolled down

As I was rolling on the floor.

"You are so absurd!", I said in between breaths.

"You're such a jokester!"

"The things you make up are so funny!"

I was meditating

to shine a light on

the true nature of reality.

And I found it funny

That my ego made up these terrifying thoughts

Just to protect itself

from being illuminated.

I knew

That there was an instinct

That would know

When to stop doing something

To avoid harming myself.

Then, a wave of sadness hit me.

Because I turn a blind eye to this instinct

All the time.

This instinct just knows

Exactly what needs to be done

At any given moment.

This instinct is always there for me

Even if quiet.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

I had overlooked it.

I had ignored it.

And I had distrusted it.

This beautiful life force

That always looked out for me

That loved me, unconditionally

Played second fiddle

At best

To my all-powerful human mind

So full of knowledge from the ancient tree

But so lacking in spirit.

The tears streamed down my face.

I started trembling.

I cried out of remorse.

"Forgive me

for shutting out

your unconditional love."

But I also cried out of grief.

Because something I had held onto so tightly

had just died.

I vowed

From that moment on

to welcome

and to trust

the instinct.