Tears of repent
One night
There I was
Sitting on the ground.
I had been sitting there for a long time.
And then, something happened
By itself.
I started talking
To myself.
"Why have you been sitting here for hours?"
"Your legs hurt so bad!"
"Ouch! This is so painful!"
"What if you tear a tendon?"
"What if you..."
"... hurt yourself?"
"What if meditating too long turns you into a cripple?"
I let that last statement hang in the air.
Then, a giggle arose.
And I let it out.
More giggles came.
I couldn't control them.
I could just imagine a bald-headed monk in bright orange robes
Walking around with crutches
Parking in the handicap parking spaces
All because he meditated too long.
The giggles turned into full-blown laughter.
Tears rolled down
As I was rolling on the floor.
"You are so absurd!", I said in between breaths.
"You're such a jokester!"
"The things you make up are so funny!"
I was meditating
to shine a light on
the true nature of reality.
And I found it funny
That my ego made up these terrifying thoughts
Just to protect itself
from being illuminated.
I knew
That there was an instinct
That would know
When to stop doing something
To avoid harming myself.
Then, a wave of sadness hit me.
Because I turn a blind eye to this instinct
All the time.
This instinct just knows
Exactly what needs to be done
At any given moment.
This instinct is always there for me
Even if quiet.
Tears welled up in my eyes.
I had overlooked it.
I had ignored it.
And I had distrusted it.
This beautiful life force
That always looked out for me
That loved me, unconditionally
Played second fiddle
At best
To my all-powerful human mind
So full of knowledge from the ancient tree
But so lacking in spirit.
The tears streamed down my face.
I started trembling.
I cried out of remorse.
"Forgive me
for shutting out
your unconditional love."
But I also cried out of grief.
Because something I had held onto so tightly
had just died.
I vowed
From that moment on
to welcome
and to trust
the instinct.